Struggles

I am just so fed up with my body and all that I struggle with day after day.

I have trouble with how in my head I can still do things but when I try I can't and it takes so long at times for me to do stuff.

I want the kitchen, laundry and bathroom floors washed

I have bags of old clothes to go to the old clothes bins

There are stuff I would liked stored in the shed but I can't do it.

Little things I know but frustrating

Happy Birthday Dad

Good morning everyone, I didn't get around to writing a post yesterday, because it would have been my Dad's 77^th birthday. So Mum and 4 of here children and a couple of her grandchildren went to the cemetery were we stayed for about an hour before going to the club for lunch. While out I had a couple of drinks a Southo & Coke and a bit of my sister's Jack & Coke.

My dad was born in1942 the second child of Richard & Enid, from the age of 8 he was mostly raised by his aunt & uncle as well as his dad who was always around. His parents split when he was 8.

Both his parents remarried and he has 3 half siblings as well as 5 full siblings, although part of a big family, they were not a close family.

However, when he married mum that changed, she was closer to her siblings and parents and when mum & dad had a family close-knit became the norm. Dad loved and treated all his children and grandchildren as if each one was special.

Dad was a strong hard working man, who supported his family taking us on a family holiday most years. Dad used to get up and have breakfast with the family every day he was home, this started because one month he had seen us kids only a couple of times., As he was in bed when we got up and at work when we got home from school.

I can tell you Dad would loved to have seen how many people turned up to visit him on his birthday. My sister Sue went before or after work and my nieces Temika & Denni both wrote letters to Poppy.

Family Functions

My sister is turning 50 and has arranged a party for herself, nothing wrong with that.

However, this has made me thing of my 50^th which was not a big deal and neither was Tim's for that matter. We did see all our girls and grandchildren but I was a little disappointment that no one arranged a party for me but that is life.

Tim said he didn't want anything like a party but I do think he was a tad disappointed.

When we get to a certain age, we often think our children should plain a party for us, I don't know why we think that but have been told that many people think that way.

I also been thinking how at times our children may be fighting or not talking at the time of a party usually over some minor thing and you hear if so and so is going I will not, this is distressing for a parent.

Thankfully in my family things are different and generally speaking everyone turns up to a family function.

As most people know I am part of a large family being the eldest of 5 children and even if my girls don't feel like attending a function if they are invited or if it is for me or Tim they turn up if only for half an hour.

Dad used to say how nice it was that so many of his grandchildren would turn up to a party that we had for him.

So I hope my sister has a good turn out at her party, it will be an emotional time as it is the first birthday that we will have without dad. She does have 4 children and 7 grandchildren as well as all her siblings, she will need her children to help her cope with not having her dad there.

Little Control

Life is so hard lately I can't go shopping alone I really need Jessica with me as she is such a big help. I have little control over my life or body. I have to rely on someone to do stuff for me., like dress me, prepare food for me. Even at times feed me because I keep dropping my food.

I shake from head to foot inside and out 24/7, I cannot stand for more then 2 minutes before my back aches. I have arthritis in my knees but the pain isn't what makes walking difficult, it is the fact that I generally don't pick my feet up when I walk. I know I should and I do for a few steps shuffling along again. So how far can I walk about a dozen steps.

Sending a text message on my phone is very difficult, which is why I often send a voice message as it is easier for me.

You may be thinking that I am typing this ok but not like I used to, I type slower often using one hand only because my right hand jumps around so much.

Yes I am depressed, yes I am on medication for it, but there are so many bad days lately.

My Health

I am only 56 and I often feel like a burden on my family and yes no one has ever called me that but it is how I feel, I often have trouble doing stuff like dressing myself feeding myself walking or even just standing everything hurts and I wonder why me.......

My body shakes from head to foot inside and out 24/7, there is nothing that can be done, no treatment or medication I can take to ease it.

I have arthritis in my knees, hip and fingers which causes pain when I stand or try and walk. I also have a lot of back pain so have trouble sitting as well.

When I posted the first bit of this on Facebook these are the responses I got.

Sandra Crawford Oh sis this makes me sad! we love you have thought about you a lot lately since I've had my arm pain bulging disc in my C6 C7 nerve the pain from my neck down my arm to my fingers is so bad I can't hold things keep dropping things....I think of you and mum and how hard everyday life things are hard for you it makes me so upset! I know Tash has been a great help to you living close now that's good my said she like me and runs up to help where she can which is great ... love U sis xxo

Natasha Tinkabell Meadows 2 the most beautiful Mum ever. U are NOT a burden, nor will u ever be a burden.
I love u with all my heart ?
I look at u n see a very strong beautiful woman who is now going through something big in her life n still stand here with a smile on her face. Everyone has bad days where they may feel that way but as long as u always remember U ARE NOT A BURDEN ???

Dad is right but most of all u have a husband n 3 pain in the ass daughters, with 4 crazy grandkids that look at u n wonder. How did we get so lucky 2 have u in our life’s? ???

Tim William You're family will ALWAYS be here for you

Still Feeling Numb

It  has been nearly two months since Dad died and I am still feeling numb inside, I miss my dad so much, I have been to the cemetery only once, I know all I have to do is ask but on Saturday's when Kathy is here I don't think of it. Natasha is always so busy and I don't like to ask her to drive me.

I think of dad a lot during the day and have dreamt of him a lot since he passed away.  I believe when you dream of a person who has passed it is their way of visiting you.

About my dad

The 16^th October 1942 saw the arrival of Denis Albert Jenkins he was the second child or Richard Thomas Jenkins & Enid Jenkins he was born in Kurri Kurri.

When he was 4yrs old his father had a job working on the Snowy Mountain Hydro Scheme and the young Deny went with his dad to the area and while there he managed to get himself lost but of course he was found.

At the age of 8 he was spending the school holidays with his Uncle Arthur & Aunty Joyce, it was at that time that his mother left his father for another man. Young Denis was basically abandoned by his mother, from that time on he was raised mostly by his Aunt & Uncle.

Although he remained close to his father till his death in 1991 at the age of 75. He did have a relationship with his mum but he wasn't as close to her.

At the age of 15 he went to work on the railway, starting out in the meal room as a barrel boy, from there he went on to become a station hand then a signalman working in signal boxes. He then became a train guard and in total spent 43 years working on the railway.

He retired in 2001 and found a love of computers and genealogy tracing his and mum's family trees. He was the go to person in the family for computer problems.

In 1958 while working on the railway he meet Mavis, his soulmate they married in 1960.

They had 5 children, 4 daughters and 1 son and he was super proud of all his children he was happy being the father of his 4 daughters and didn't feel the need to have a son which is why God blessed him with his son.

In 2009 he was diagnosed with lung cancer he had surgery followed by chemo and radiation. The type of lung cancer he had had a high mortality rate with only 10% of people surviving for 5 years after having cancer so the fact that dad lived for 10 years post cancer is amazing. In fact when he was diagnosed he was told if it hadn't been found when it did he would been dead by Christmas. He only went to the hospital for a pain in the gut and they never figured out what was causing the pain in the gut.

What kept him going in 2009 was the arrival of 2 granddaughters and 1 great-granddaughter in 2010, he was super excited to have more grandchildren.

In total he had 17 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren and he would have been so happy that so many young children turned up at his funeral and wake.

When I was a child I read books a lot and never saw my dad read a book but when he was going through cancer he started to read and he found a love of books, not fiction but books based on real events, he liked books about history and trains.

His daughters helped him with jobs around the house like wallpapering the kitchen, running power to the garage and putting up the pool.

All his children considered dad to be their hero and we felt blessed to have him as our dad.