Still Feeling Numb

It  has been nearly two months since Dad died and I am still feeling numb inside, I miss my dad so much, I have been to the cemetery only once, I know all I have to do is ask but on Saturday's when Kathy is here I don't think of it. Natasha is always so busy and I don't like to ask her to drive me.

I think of dad a lot during the day and have dreamt of him a lot since he passed away.  I believe when you dream of a person who has passed it is their way of visiting you.

About my dad

The 16^th October 1942 saw the arrival of Denis Albert Jenkins he was the second child or Richard Thomas Jenkins & Enid Jenkins he was born in Kurri Kurri.

When he was 4yrs old his father had a job working on the Snowy Mountain Hydro Scheme and the young Deny went with his dad to the area and while there he managed to get himself lost but of course he was found.

At the age of 8 he was spending the school holidays with his Uncle Arthur & Aunty Joyce, it was at that time that his mother left his father for another man. Young Denis was basically abandoned by his mother, from that time on he was raised mostly by his Aunt & Uncle.

Although he remained close to his father till his death in 1991 at the age of 75. He did have a relationship with his mum but he wasn't as close to her.

At the age of 15 he went to work on the railway, starting out in the meal room as a barrel boy, from there he went on to become a station hand then a signalman working in signal boxes. He then became a train guard and in total spent 43 years working on the railway.

He retired in 2001 and found a love of computers and genealogy tracing his and mum's family trees. He was the go to person in the family for computer problems.

In 1958 while working on the railway he meet Mavis, his soulmate they married in 1960.

They had 5 children, 4 daughters and 1 son and he was super proud of all his children he was happy being the father of his 4 daughters and didn't feel the need to have a son which is why God blessed him with his son.

In 2009 he was diagnosed with lung cancer he had surgery followed by chemo and radiation. The type of lung cancer he had had a high mortality rate with only 10% of people surviving for 5 years after having cancer so the fact that dad lived for 10 years post cancer is amazing. In fact when he was diagnosed he was told if it hadn't been found when it did he would been dead by Christmas. He only went to the hospital for a pain in the gut and they never figured out what was causing the pain in the gut.

What kept him going in 2009 was the arrival of 2 granddaughters and 1 great-granddaughter in 2010, he was super excited to have more grandchildren.

In total he had 17 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren and he would have been so happy that so many young children turned up at his funeral and wake.

When I was a child I read books a lot and never saw my dad read a book but when he was going through cancer he started to read and he found a love of books, not fiction but books based on real events, he liked books about history and trains.

His daughters helped him with jobs around the house like wallpapering the kitchen, running power to the garage and putting up the pool.

All his children considered dad to be their hero and we felt blessed to have him as our dad.

Dear Dad

This post was published to joannerambling at 6:58:25 PM 29/03/2014

Good morning all this morning I am doing a reworked post of of a post I did back in 2014 about my dad who sadly passed away in his sleep yesterday.

Dear Dad

Yesterday was the hardest of days for your family dealing with the fact that you had passed away in your sleep after a really bad night Saturday night.

So many tears were shed by so many people as you laid in bed looking like you wee sleeping and so many went to say their goodbyes to you.

18 people in total turned up at the house to see you and mum. 

Natasha the girl you called “Nicky Nat” is heartbroken and has been nearly inconsolable. Kathy-Lee cried from the moment she heard. Jessica feels horrible inside.

My grandsons Blain & Leo didn't like seeing their nanna so upset and heartbroken, crying so much.

Tim also is heartbroken you were more like his father than father in-law but he has held it together for me, as he feels he needs to be strong to support me.

Three of Jeannie's children turned up to say goodbye to you, Sam had her daughter Hayley with her and Hayley wanted to see you and I can tell you dad little Hayley was heartbroken she shed so many tears.

Let’s move onto all the great memories I have of you my dad, one of my earliest memories is of walking around near areopelican with me on your shoulders. I also have a vague memory of the time we got bogged on Blacksmiths beach and yes I do remember it is not a clear memory but I do still remember it.

The time we wallpapered the kitchen is also a good memory and it still makes me laugh when I think about it, I don’t know if you know dad how much it meant to me that I was able to help my dad with things, like wallpapering the kitchen and running power down to the garage when we lived in Flame street and putting up the pool.

I know I am blessed to have you as my dad; you have always been my hero, my idol. When I was around the age of 18 nanna asked me what type of man I would like to marry and all I could think of was a man like my dad, to me you were special the perfect dad, you could do everything and I always knew you would protect me and keep me safe. I know it may sound silly but you are still my hero and my idol and I am still so proud to be your daughter.

I was lucky in that I had you all to myself for 6 years but even when Jeannie & Sue came along and later Sandy & Dave I never felt pushed aside or that you loved me any less I just knew you had enough love to go around.

You loved your daughters and didn't feel the need to have a son which is why God blessed you with one. David has grown from an annoying little sod into a wonderful man just like his father.

All my life I have wanted to make you proud.

Dad's Bad Night

Mum has had a bad night with dad he was awake most of the night unable to breathe. The Ordine was only helping for 20 minutes or so, so mum got him on the oxygen and still he was restless and unable to settle. Mum ended up ring Sandy at 2am who wasn't able to go and help as being Saturday night she had a few drinks so Sandy rang both Sue and Dave, Sue had been out for the night and wasn't able to go and help but Dave rang mum and while on the phone and he told mum he would be there soon.

Dave & Leigh arrived by 3.20am and they left at 4.45am, because dad found it easier to breathe when he was sitting up so they have set him up in a sitting position which is how he is sleeping now.

THANK YOU MY SIBLINGS

It was horrible for mum to watch dad suffering so much and feeling like shit because there is so little she can do to help him, she didn't know what to do, whether she should ring the ambos or not. One moment dad is saying to ring them the next he is saying don't ring them. Mum was worried if she rang them they would take him to hospital and the hospital would let him die, she knows that may not happen but still a thought she had.

Updates

Hello family and others who read this blog.

Just doing a few updates about family members including myself today.

Dad is hanging in there, he has good days and bad days but any day he wakes up and is still with us is a good day. His feet and legs are super swollen with fluid, this is made worse by the fact that he isn't drinking enough water which would flush out his body and of course he has trouble walking so he prefers not to walk around if he doesn't have to. However, a little bit of walking would also help with the fluid.

Mum is feeling trapped because she hasn't been able to go to the shops due to dad being so unwell and able to go out. What is distressing for mum is when she asks my siblings about going out they get angry with her and have even yelled at her that she cannot go out.

Jessica has decided to sell her car as she doesn't use it much and wants to save for a really good car.

Natasha has settled nicely into her home and is happy living here near her dad & I.

Kathy-Lee and Michael are engaged but have not made any plans as yet as to when they will get married.

Now to me well some days my whole body shakes including my jaw, this is frustrating. The arthritis in my knees is giving me a lot of pain, I cannot stand for very long and walking unaided is near impossible, with a cane I can manage to walk maybe 10 meters with my walker I could possible manage around 25 meters before needing to sit down and rest.

Many days I feel useless and like I am becoming a burden on my family, I can't drive myself to appointments or to the shops. I always need to rely on my daughters to get around and do stuff for me. They say they don't mind but still I feel the way I do.

Mum & Driving

My mum is a loving and caring woman, who will do anything she can for her children and grandchildren.

Recently she has felt that some of her children are not there for her. She feels they are not supporting her and are often running her down.

Now I want to say that I know there are two sides to this and I am in no way trying to say that my siblings are in any way in the wrong. I am just putting across mum's side.

I speak to mum every night and the last couple of nights mum has been in tears because of how she feels she is being treated. I always say our feelings are neither right or wrong they are just our feelings and we feel how we feel.

Now you maybe wondering what the issue is that is causing mum to feel how she is, well it is about her driving again. Mum hasn't driven since late in 2017 or early 2018 due to health issues. However, she is now much better, she has had her hip replaced and is walking fine.

The problem is two of my siblings do not want her to drive again, well that is what mum thinks. Mum wants one of her children to go with her to see how she manages driving. She has been asking for over a month but they never seem to have the time.

Now because of her diabetes mum needs a medical review done and when she asked her GP he wouldn't fill the form in but said for her to have her eye check done and then he would see. Well that didn't sit well with mum and yesterday she went and had her eye check done, on Monday she is going to see a different GP to see if they will fill in the form.

She also spoke to the physio about driving and she said she sees no physical reason why she can't drive.

What mum wants is too feel that her children are supporting her, that they will do things to help her drive again. Instead of yelling at her and telling her she can't drive.

If mum attemps to drive and doesn't feel comfortable she will not drive, she just wants to try, if she can keep her licence and drive to the shops and back she will be happy, we are talking a distance of maybe 5k's or 3miles once or twice a week.

January & February Letter

Mrs Jo-Anne Meadows

P O Box 253

Warners Bay

NSW 2282

Australia

Wednesday 6^th February 2019

Dear

Great to hear from you again,hope all is well with you. Don't worry about taking a while to write back sometimes life gets in the way or we just don't feel like writing.

I am doing well my state of mind has improved and I an not as depressed, in fact I am feeling so much happier. Yes my body is letting me down but I am still able to do lots of stuff. Helps that I am taking my medication as I should.

Been stinking bloody hot here the last few weeks thankfully we have air conditioning. I really don't like it when it is humid and I find myself dripping in sweat. When it is stinking hot I prefer to stay home and do little.

As I write this my dad is in hospital again, he had a bad night last Wednesday night and Thursday morning my sister Sandy rang the ambos for him. He was unable to catch his breath and nothing he did or took helped. Since being in hospital there has been little change in his health, he is still having trouble breathing.

During the school holidays we didn't go away or do much at all Tim had some time off work but for the most part he just stayed home and chilled.

Tasha has at last got rid of Steve's dog she rang the ranger who came and collected it. She has also got rid of Steve's stuff, I did a little happy dance.

On Christmas Eve Jessica was driving out to Cessnock to see her cousin and she gets pulled over by the cops for driving an unregistered car, and an uninsured car, this was what the hell how the hell did that happen. Jessica rang me in a right state she was crying and really upset it took a while to calm her down and when we went to the RTA they said I had stuffed up this made me feel awful.

When she bought the car last month the first thing we did was go to the RTA and transferred the car into her name and get a further six months registration, at that time nothing was said about the CTP which struck me as odd.

Well a few weeks later she gets the CTP renewal notice in the mail and I went online straight away and fixed it up, I then went to the RTA site to check it all went through but I must have stuffed up somehow because the RTA told us on Christmas Eve that it didn't go through.

Anyway since we had the receipt for the CTP we have written a letter explaining everything and hope they will at least wave the uninsured ticket, we have enclosed a copy of the CTP receipt so now we just to wait and see.

Jessica wrote away about her fines so they are under review and as yet we have heard nothing.

Around 1am on Boxing Day Tim & I are woken up by Natasha and she was in a right state the mother of a really close friend had just passed away, Natasha thought of the woman like another mother.

On Boxing Day we all went over to Kathy's for a belated Christmas lunch, the day was good, although Kathy-Lee really needs to learn how to cook a baked lunch which is why I generally prefer to do a baked lunch here as I know what I am doing.

Christmas is all said and done, all in all it was a good day, although it didn't start off that well as I had a upsetting dream the night before and this left me feeling down and sad.

Tim worked Christmas Day but I did see him in the morning and in the afternoon Jessica & Leo came over and both of them liked all their gifts.

All my girls went over to see my parents on Christmas Day, we have all accepted that it is unlikely dad will be around for another Christmas, so we all wanted Christmas Day to be special for him and both mum & dad said how nice it was to see my girls.

It was the first Christmas they have been at my parents place in like 5 years. We even got to see Blain on Christmas Day as he spent part of the day with his mum.

On Christmas Day my dad was walking from the kitchen to the lounge room with just his cane but he wasn't using his cane properly and lost his balance and fell over.

Blain quickly went and got my brother David who picked him up and his wife Leigh patched up his arms, one of which was bleeding badly.

I received some also gifts myself from my siblings and children and grandchildren, on Thursday Tim bought me a newer mobile phone, similar to the old one just a bit newer. I am happy with it, I didn't expect it so it was a nice surprise.

On Wednesday the 9^th January, Natasha was concerned about the woman whoo lived it the unit next to hers as she hadn't seen or heard her since Sunday night. So she contacted the woman's son, he hadn't spoken to his mum in days, so she rang the police.

The police turned up an hour and a half later and had to break into the house which wasn't easy as she had crimsafe screens. The woman was found deceased in her bed, it looks like she died in her sleep. We all knew the lady she has lived there for 20 odd years.

Tuesday the 22^nd January was my granddaughter Sydney-May's birthday she turned 9 when I gave her, her birthday present I also gave her sister Summer a small gift.

The idea of giving the non birthday sibling who is close in age a small gift is something I got from my mum.

As mum says at times a young child may not understand why they do not get a gift and giving a small $2-3 gift can save tantrums.

I have gotten used to not being able to drive although it is frustrating at times having to rely on other people.

On the 8^th January Tim & Leo went away camping for 2 nights and Leo had a wonderful time, he was well behaved and loved playing on the beach while Papa did some beach fishing. He has asked Papa if they can go away camping again next school holidays.

Speaking of camping while he was with his dad & Kelli, Blain also went camping but only for 1 night as it was too wet when they went but anyway Blain said he had a good time.

On Australia Day all the girls as well as Michael (Kathy's partner) came for lunch as it is/was Tim's birthday he is now 58. It was a nice day I did a roast beef and veggies for lunch.

Well that's all from me for this letter, until next time take care and I hope life treats you well.

Jo-Anne

jo anne62_04@hotmail.com

jnjm62@gmail.com

http://jo-a nnemotherandnanna.blogspot.com

https://joannerambling.wordpress