Little Control

Life is so hard lately I can't go shopping alone I really need Jessica with me as she is such a big help. I have little control over my life or body. I have to rely on someone to do stuff for me., like dress me, prepare food for me. Even at times feed me because I keep dropping my food.

I shake from head to foot inside and out 24/7, I cannot stand for more then 2 minutes before my back aches. I have arthritis in my knees but the pain isn't what makes walking difficult, it is the fact that I generally don't pick my feet up when I walk. I know I should and I do for a few steps shuffling along again. So how far can I walk about a dozen steps.

Sending a text message on my phone is very difficult, which is why I often send a voice message as it is easier for me.

You may be thinking that I am typing this ok but not like I used to, I type slower often using one hand only because my right hand jumps around so much.

Yes I am depressed, yes I am on medication for it, but there are so many bad days lately.

My Health

I am only 56 and I often feel like a burden on my family and yes no one has ever called me that but it is how I feel, I often have trouble doing stuff like dressing myself feeding myself walking or even just standing everything hurts and I wonder why me.......

My body shakes from head to foot inside and out 24/7, there is nothing that can be done, no treatment or medication I can take to ease it.

I have arthritis in my knees, hip and fingers which causes pain when I stand or try and walk. I also have a lot of back pain so have trouble sitting as well.

When I posted the first bit of this on Facebook these are the responses I got.

Sandra Crawford Oh sis this makes me sad! we love you have thought about you a lot lately since I've had my arm pain bulging disc in my C6 C7 nerve the pain from my neck down my arm to my fingers is so bad I can't hold things keep dropping things....I think of you and mum and how hard everyday life things are hard for you it makes me so upset! I know Tash has been a great help to you living close now that's good my said she like me and runs up to help where she can which is great ... love U sis xxo

Natasha Tinkabell Meadows 2 the most beautiful Mum ever. U are NOT a burden, nor will u ever be a burden.
I love u with all my heart ?
I look at u n see a very strong beautiful woman who is now going through something big in her life n still stand here with a smile on her face. Everyone has bad days where they may feel that way but as long as u always remember U ARE NOT A BURDEN ???

Dad is right but most of all u have a husband n 3 pain in the ass daughters, with 4 crazy grandkids that look at u n wonder. How did we get so lucky 2 have u in our life’s? ???

Tim William You're family will ALWAYS be here for you

Still Feeling Numb

It  has been nearly two months since Dad died and I am still feeling numb inside, I miss my dad so much, I have been to the cemetery only once, I know all I have to do is ask but on Saturday's when Kathy is here I don't think of it. Natasha is always so busy and I don't like to ask her to drive me.

I think of dad a lot during the day and have dreamt of him a lot since he passed away.  I believe when you dream of a person who has passed it is their way of visiting you.

About my dad

The 16^th October 1942 saw the arrival of Denis Albert Jenkins he was the second child or Richard Thomas Jenkins & Enid Jenkins he was born in Kurri Kurri.

When he was 4yrs old his father had a job working on the Snowy Mountain Hydro Scheme and the young Deny went with his dad to the area and while there he managed to get himself lost but of course he was found.

At the age of 8 he was spending the school holidays with his Uncle Arthur & Aunty Joyce, it was at that time that his mother left his father for another man. Young Denis was basically abandoned by his mother, from that time on he was raised mostly by his Aunt & Uncle.

Although he remained close to his father till his death in 1991 at the age of 75. He did have a relationship with his mum but he wasn't as close to her.

At the age of 15 he went to work on the railway, starting out in the meal room as a barrel boy, from there he went on to become a station hand then a signalman working in signal boxes. He then became a train guard and in total spent 43 years working on the railway.

He retired in 2001 and found a love of computers and genealogy tracing his and mum's family trees. He was the go to person in the family for computer problems.

In 1958 while working on the railway he meet Mavis, his soulmate they married in 1960.

They had 5 children, 4 daughters and 1 son and he was super proud of all his children he was happy being the father of his 4 daughters and didn't feel the need to have a son which is why God blessed him with his son.

In 2009 he was diagnosed with lung cancer he had surgery followed by chemo and radiation. The type of lung cancer he had had a high mortality rate with only 10% of people surviving for 5 years after having cancer so the fact that dad lived for 10 years post cancer is amazing. In fact when he was diagnosed he was told if it hadn't been found when it did he would been dead by Christmas. He only went to the hospital for a pain in the gut and they never figured out what was causing the pain in the gut.

What kept him going in 2009 was the arrival of 2 granddaughters and 1 great-granddaughter in 2010, he was super excited to have more grandchildren.

In total he had 17 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren and he would have been so happy that so many young children turned up at his funeral and wake.

When I was a child I read books a lot and never saw my dad read a book but when he was going through cancer he started to read and he found a love of books, not fiction but books based on real events, he liked books about history and trains.

His daughters helped him with jobs around the house like wallpapering the kitchen, running power to the garage and putting up the pool.

All his children considered dad to be their hero and we felt blessed to have him as our dad.

Dear Dad

This post was published to joannerambling at 6:58:25 PM 29/03/2014

Good morning all this morning I am doing a reworked post of of a post I did back in 2014 about my dad who sadly passed away in his sleep yesterday.

Dear Dad

Yesterday was the hardest of days for your family dealing with the fact that you had passed away in your sleep after a really bad night Saturday night.

So many tears were shed by so many people as you laid in bed looking like you wee sleeping and so many went to say their goodbyes to you.

18 people in total turned up at the house to see you and mum. 

Natasha the girl you called “Nicky Nat” is heartbroken and has been nearly inconsolable. Kathy-Lee cried from the moment she heard. Jessica feels horrible inside.

My grandsons Blain & Leo didn't like seeing their nanna so upset and heartbroken, crying so much.

Tim also is heartbroken you were more like his father than father in-law but he has held it together for me, as he feels he needs to be strong to support me.

Three of Jeannie's children turned up to say goodbye to you, Sam had her daughter Hayley with her and Hayley wanted to see you and I can tell you dad little Hayley was heartbroken she shed so many tears.

Let’s move onto all the great memories I have of you my dad, one of my earliest memories is of walking around near areopelican with me on your shoulders. I also have a vague memory of the time we got bogged on Blacksmiths beach and yes I do remember it is not a clear memory but I do still remember it.

The time we wallpapered the kitchen is also a good memory and it still makes me laugh when I think about it, I don’t know if you know dad how much it meant to me that I was able to help my dad with things, like wallpapering the kitchen and running power down to the garage when we lived in Flame street and putting up the pool.

I know I am blessed to have you as my dad; you have always been my hero, my idol. When I was around the age of 18 nanna asked me what type of man I would like to marry and all I could think of was a man like my dad, to me you were special the perfect dad, you could do everything and I always knew you would protect me and keep me safe. I know it may sound silly but you are still my hero and my idol and I am still so proud to be your daughter.

I was lucky in that I had you all to myself for 6 years but even when Jeannie & Sue came along and later Sandy & Dave I never felt pushed aside or that you loved me any less I just knew you had enough love to go around.

You loved your daughters and didn't feel the need to have a son which is why God blessed you with one. David has grown from an annoying little sod into a wonderful man just like his father.

All my life I have wanted to make you proud.

Dad's Bad Night

Mum has had a bad night with dad he was awake most of the night unable to breathe. The Ordine was only helping for 20 minutes or so, so mum got him on the oxygen and still he was restless and unable to settle. Mum ended up ring Sandy at 2am who wasn't able to go and help as being Saturday night she had a few drinks so Sandy rang both Sue and Dave, Sue had been out for the night and wasn't able to go and help but Dave rang mum and while on the phone and he told mum he would be there soon.

Dave & Leigh arrived by 3.20am and they left at 4.45am, because dad found it easier to breathe when he was sitting up so they have set him up in a sitting position which is how he is sleeping now.

THANK YOU MY SIBLINGS

It was horrible for mum to watch dad suffering so much and feeling like shit because there is so little she can do to help him, she didn't know what to do, whether she should ring the ambos or not. One moment dad is saying to ring them the next he is saying don't ring them. Mum was worried if she rang them they would take him to hospital and the hospital would let him die, she knows that may not happen but still a thought she had.

Updates

Hello family and others who read this blog.

Just doing a few updates about family members including myself today.

Dad is hanging in there, he has good days and bad days but any day he wakes up and is still with us is a good day. His feet and legs are super swollen with fluid, this is made worse by the fact that he isn't drinking enough water which would flush out his body and of course he has trouble walking so he prefers not to walk around if he doesn't have to. However, a little bit of walking would also help with the fluid.

Mum is feeling trapped because she hasn't been able to go to the shops due to dad being so unwell and able to go out. What is distressing for mum is when she asks my siblings about going out they get angry with her and have even yelled at her that she cannot go out.

Jessica has decided to sell her car as she doesn't use it much and wants to save for a really good car.

Natasha has settled nicely into her home and is happy living here near her dad & I.

Kathy-Lee and Michael are engaged but have not made any plans as yet as to when they will get married.

Now to me well some days my whole body shakes including my jaw, this is frustrating. The arthritis in my knees is giving me a lot of pain, I cannot stand for very long and walking unaided is near impossible, with a cane I can manage to walk maybe 10 meters with my walker I could possible manage around 25 meters before needing to sit down and rest.

Many days I feel useless and like I am becoming a burden on my family, I can't drive myself to appointments or to the shops. I always need to rely on my daughters to get around and do stuff for me. They say they don't mind but still I feel the way I do.